Hey, babalicious baby babe.

My dear friend who at one point professed his interest in me is now my "go-to-guy" for relationship advice. His latest advice about Grizzly Adams made me feel so precious. wouldn't it make you feel awesome too?

I think my biggest worry is that, because you're just a girl in the world who wants to be happy, you're apt to take that extra risk to find the "that" guy--the right guy. Of course, this is nothing abnormal or anything. But the risk is that you have to expose yourself emotionally. If you are emotionally closed off, then no one will be able to get near you. But, if you put your emotions on the line, you at risk of getting hurt. Grizzly Adams, I fear, is just going to hurt you. It has been my concern since I first hear about him. You could never know that unless you take a chance and try to get something going with him. That's fine. But all this time you've been led along and it has obviously been frustrating for you. Now he's calling you. I really don't know what that means, and, of course, I've never met him, but what you describe doesn't seem to fit too well with his reluctance to come visit you. I would hate to see you become the victim of a booty-calling mountain man. I just love you too much, babe. In fact, it makes me sick to think of it. So, ignore him. Clearly, each time we talk, you seem to know which way is up. That's good. And I certainly don't mean to be condescending in any way. You know what's best for you; and you know which way to play it. So perhaps this whole episode is telling you it's time to write this guy off.

Rain Rain Go Away

It's another fall/winter Sunday night and I'm getting anxious, increasingly more sad about the realization that he is gone. There is no connection there anymore, although we got in touch and went over everything. He needs to feel that I am here and that he has not lost me. But I'm already gone.

It feels so weird, like he was never real. To be fair, he is not right for me at this point and I am not healed 100%. I am trying so hard, I've made progress but not there yet. It's a struggle everyday.

I had a nice weekend. Went out last night and socialized. I feel so isolated and not even here to be honest. I am alone and living in my own head for way too long now.

I'm confused right now..

PS: I wish the asshole who was doing laundry (right below my apartment) every Sunday morning could start at 10am instead of 8am.

The Divinyls

Instead of thinking about the harsh reality that I might never see you again, I am thinking about the speck of time (the tiny blink-of-an-eye time) that we got to spend together..so short, but SO GOOD!!!


Don't let our gold mine plans slip away, anything is possible.

Letter One

I don't have the balls to actually send these to him, but I can still post them here. I'm working out my thought as we are. PS: I went to acupressure massage and acupuncture today and the lady told me I was a "little fat." and to diet.

Great!

Hi Willy:

How are you? I just wanted to write to you because that's what I do best I think, write and articulate my thoughts in writing. It just flows. Truthfully, I can't even muster up the courage to dial your number because somehow, I feel like for the first time in my life, I would not know what to say, if you answered.

It's been two weeks since we talked and I admit that the days are kind of grey lately and they just pass and flow into one another. It's kind of surreal. I feel like meeting you and spending time with you was a long dream. Kind of like it never happened, yet visceral. I can feel you, and hear your voice and stuff, but I'm not sure if I made it up.

I'm deeply hurt, not because of anything you did or did not say or do, I guess just because I realize that right now, based on whatever you're thinking and our unfortunate circumstance, we can't be.

You didn't pick up the phone on your birthday!

How could you not pick up the phone on your birthday to talk to me? The only thing wanted to do on my birthday was talk to you. I didn't want anything else and you saw me calling and you didn't pick up.

That breaks my heart....

Circumstance

The last few days have been trying and I find myself tearing up and bursting into tears for no reason. I don't know what I was expecting to happen, I guess. So I feel silly feeling sadness or crying or showing any emotion that is remotely not positive. But there is giant hole in my heart again. I can't imagine not seeing him again or smelling his skin or tasting his kisses. This really sucks.

All because of circumstance?

I miss him terribly. I was listening to songs that we love last night and just thinking that maybe he'll re-think circumstance, give feeling something scary a chance and call me to tell me that he is coming and staying with me. He hasn't called me in two days and since we ended on a pretty serious note of let's think and discuss this, I'm not expecting anything. I am so sad and feel helpless right now. I can't drive over to see him, I have no physical photos to hold ..just songs and a necklace he gave me.

But.

I am fighting for love. I gave up everything that was deemed secure, stable, serene, honest, and logical for love. I know that there is someone who will be ridiculously in love with me the same way I love them. It'll change, it'll get stronger or weaker and then evolve again, but it is possible. I believe in it!

Brunch at Cafe Medina

I had the most amazing brunch today at Cafe Medina. I have heard people raving about it and about 10:45am the line-ups did start, seriously silly line-ups. Nini and James were there with the critters and we sat outside. James had a roast beef breakfast sandwich and a deliriously good waffle with dark chocolate. Nini had a pistachio white chocolate waffle and a soft boiled egg. I had the waffle, so fluffy and sweet, with lavender milk chocolate sauce on the side and a La Sante. The waffle was gooey and warm, super sweet and tender. It almost looked like it had sugar and butter inside it. Mouthwatering.

La Sante was a soft boiled egg, prosciutto, tomatoes and olives, and two avocado slices with toasted baguette. Yumm. The only downer on our sunshiny day? The service was awful. The waiter was not organized, spilled my egg shells on me (in my napkin) and forgot to bring more napkins. But company and food was great.

Yeah, to Medina. 556 Beatty St. (beside Chambar) 604-879-3114

Capers or Whole Foods or Whatever

I just got back from Capers/Whole Foods and there was the most annoying woman buying a litre of wheatgrass. She said very patriotically, " I am from Santa Monica and at out Whole Foods, the wheatgrass is half the size of your Canadian wheatgrass. Wow, down in Santa Monica (yes, lady we know and get it, you live in a land of eternal 75Farenheit), it is just not as gorgeous as it is here."

Ah, sometimes I think I'm being fooled to thinking that eating wheatgrass and organic shit actually matters for your health. Maybe it does, but as WP says, "Isn't it all organic to start with?" Well said Mr. Peppler, well said.

Allure's Best of Beauty List 2009

Beauty doesn't always come at a price. Now I feel like an ass spending $35 per bottle for Kerastase.

1. Pantene Protene $3.99 and up
2. Sally Hansen Insta-Dri Nail Colour $4.99
3. Shiseido Creme $56-260 (feels like Crisco)
4. Georgio Armani Foundation $58 (silk fibres and 50% water)
5. Cover Girl lipstain $7.29
6. Dove Bodywash $5.84
7. Gillette Venus Blades and Aveeno Shave Gel $11.99 and $3.99

A Prayer For Us

From Rob Brezny's Pronoia and Anecdote to Paranoia

PRAYER FOR US

This is a perfect moment. It’s a perfect moment because I have been inspired to say a gigantic prayer. I’ve been roused to unleash a divinely greedy, apocalyptically healing prayer for each and every one of us—even those of us who ­don’t believe in the power of prayer.

And so I am starting to pray right now to the God of Gods ­ the God beyond all Gods ... the Girlfriend of God ... the Teacher of God ... the Goddess who invented God.


DEAR GODDESS, you who always answer our very best questions, even if we ignore you:

Please be here with us right now. Come inside us with your sly slippery slaphappy mojo. Invade us with your silky succulent salty sweet haha.

Hear with our ears, Goddess. Breathe with our lungs. See through our eyes.


DEAR GODDESS, you who never kill but only change:

I pray that my exuberant, suave, and accidental words will move you to shower ferocious blessings down on everyone who reads or hears this benediction.

I pray that you will give us what we ­don’t even know we need—not just the boons we think we want, but everything we’ve always been afraid to even imagine or ask for.


DEAR GODDESS, you wealthy anarchist burning heaven to the ground:

Many of us don’t even know who we really are.

We’ve forgotten that our souls live forever.

We’re blind to the fact that every little move we make sends ripples through eternity. Some of us are even ignorant of how extravagant, relentless, and practical your love for us is.

Please wake us up to the shocking truths. Use your brash magic to help us see that we are completely different from we’ve been led to believe, and more exciting than we can possibly imagine.

Guide us to realize that we are all unwitting messiahs who are much too big and ancient to fit inside our personalities.


DEAR GODDESS, you sly universal virus with no fucking opinion:

Help us to be disciplined enough to go crazy in the name of creation, not destruction.

Teach us to know the distinction between oppressive self-­control and liberating
self-­control.

Awaken in us the power to do the half-­right thing when it is impossible to do the totally right thing.

And arouse the Wild Woman within us—even if we are men.


DEAR GODDESS, you who give us so much love and pain mixed together that our morality is always on the verge of collapsing:

I beg you to cast a boisterous love spell that will nullify all the dumb ideas, bad decisions, and nasty conditioning that have ever cursed all of us wise and sexy virtuosos.

Remove, banish, annihilate, and laugh into oblivion any jinx that has clung
to us, no matter how long we have suffered from it, and even if we have become accustomed or addicted to its ugly companionship.

Conjure an aura of protection around us so that we will receive an early warning if we are ever about to act in such a way as to bring another hex or plague into our lives in the future.


DEAR GODDESS, you psychedelic mushroom cloud at the center of all our brains:

I pray that you will inspire us to kick our own asses with abandon and regularity.

Give us bigger, better, more original sins and wilder, wetter, more interesting problems.
Help us learn the difference between stupid suffering and smart suffering.

Provoke us to throw away or give away everything we own that encourages us to believe we’re better than anyone else.

Brainwash us with your compassion so that we never love our own freedom more than anyone else’s freedom.

And make it illegal, immoral, irrelevant, unpatriotic, and totally tasteless for us to be in love with anyone or anything that’s no good for us.


DEAR GODDESS, you riotously tender, hauntingly reassuring, orgiastically sacred feeling that is even now running through all of our soft, warm animal bodies:

I pray that you provide us with a license to bend and even break all rules, laws, and traditions that hinder us from loving the world the way you do.

Show us how to purge the wishy-­washy wishes that distract us from our daring, dramatic, divine desires.

And teach us that we can have anything we want if we will only ask for it
in an unselfish way.


DEAR GODDESS, you who just pretend to be crazy so you can get away with doing what's right:

Help us to be like you—wildly disciplined, voraciously curious, exuberantly elegant, shockingly friendly, fanatically balanced, blasphemously reverent, mysteriously truthful, teasingly healing, lyrically logical, and blissfully rowdy.


And now dear God of Gods, God beyond all Gods, Girlfriend of God, Teacher of God, Goddess who invented God, I bring this prayer to a close, trusting that in these pregnant moments you have begun to change all of us in the exact way we needed to change in order to become the gorgeous geniuses we were born to be.


Amen
Om
Hallelujah
Shalom
Namaste
More power to you


Oh, but one more thing DEAR GODDESS, you pregnant slut who scorns all mediocre longing:

Please give us donkey clown piñatas full of chirping crickets,

ceramic spice jars containing 10 million-­year-old salt from the Himalayas,

gargoyle statues guaranteed to scare away the demons,

lucid dreams while we’re wide awake,

enough organic soup and ice cream to feed all the refugees,

emerald parachutes and purple velvet gloves and ladders made of melted-down guns,

a knack for avoiding other people’s personal hells,

radio-controlled, helium-filled flying rubber sharks to play with,

magic red slippers to contribute to the hopeless,

bathtubs full of holy water to wash away our greed,

secret admirers who are not psychotic stalkers,

mousse cakes baked in the shapes of giant question marks,

stories about lightning strikes that burn down towers where megalomaniacal kings live,

solar-powered sex toys that work even in the dark,
knowledge of secret underground rivers,

mirrors that the Dalai Lama has gazed into,

and red wagons carrying the treats we were deprived of in childhood.

Bringing the Gravy?

It rained today and started feeling like fall in Vancouver, sad to say I actually imagined that the L.A.-esque weather would last.

This week is really busy mentally and emotionally. I have many balls in the air and they are going to drop. By Friday, I should or need to know what I will do in the next few months. Right now, I need grounding, I need to focus on a task, get out of the house, exercise and be around positive people.

I'm so annoyed with my family members right now. It's never ending. These issues have been going on for over a decade, since I was 16 and I am finally realizing it is NOT me. I can change the situation, I am the change! I am so done with all this crap. Life is well. All is well.

Falling Away

This week was so much fun and brought so many things into perspective. Wayne was visiting and we had such a blast. I felt like he has always lived here and should've always lived here. We have incredible chemistry and get along so well.

With this being said, many things regarding life –work, issues of stability, things I want to do, financial obligations and health-mental related topic – they're all also unearthing in a very natural way. Change is scary, admitting to change and in particular that you want change is even worst. Not scary even, just takes a deep breath to work through it.

This past year, what I have learned about working, money, things we are meant to do, enjoy doing and need to do is that surrendering to what is, not worrying about it and following that gnawing feeling in the pit are the best things to do.

Last week, my shortest gig happened. It was for US Weekly. I was a reporter for a week and the editor just told me to stand down. All good. I actually hated driving around, looking for a set to some movie I don't know, like or give two shits about. I did it, but hated it and realized that I actually don't want to do that.

Awesome. I have also come away this week with other observations. Firstly that I need a secure income and need to feel that it is coming for me to feel good about what I am doing. I know I can freelance and get work. That'll be extra bonus rewards now that I've mastered it. But I want to plan with Wayne, I want to travel for fun and be flexible. That takes a piece of mind and money.

I am so excited what the universe has for me. I know and I am confident that with my abilities, faith in the universe and knowing that it is abundant, good and I am deserving of all great things, I can do this and will make it all possible for me to achieve my dreams.

With that being said, Hallelujah to change, observation, challenge and creative frustration.

With gratitude.