Happy New Year! 2010 Better Be Good To Me

Oh, I am so happy that it is a NEW YEAR, turning the page feels incredible and scary. I feel old. (Sometimes.) I am making a conscious decision to write down goals and focus. Stick to these goals and not waver. So here are some of them for the next two months:

January:

Start training for marathon in May. Shed 6 -8 pounds.
Save 1,500 in January.
Start looking for meaningful work and get a strategy going for the Spring/Summer.
Read Catch 22 by the end of the month.
Go on at least 3 dates this month.
Spend less on eating out.

February:

Keep training going for marathon.
Shed 6 more pounds.
Save 1,500 in February.
Go on a Valentine's date.
Get into Olympic spirit
Highlights at the end of the month.

This is it for now. I will check in at the end of January.

Hey, babalicious baby babe.

My dear friend who at one point professed his interest in me is now my "go-to-guy" for relationship advice. His latest advice about Grizzly Adams made me feel so precious. wouldn't it make you feel awesome too?

I think my biggest worry is that, because you're just a girl in the world who wants to be happy, you're apt to take that extra risk to find the "that" guy--the right guy. Of course, this is nothing abnormal or anything. But the risk is that you have to expose yourself emotionally. If you are emotionally closed off, then no one will be able to get near you. But, if you put your emotions on the line, you at risk of getting hurt. Grizzly Adams, I fear, is just going to hurt you. It has been my concern since I first hear about him. You could never know that unless you take a chance and try to get something going with him. That's fine. But all this time you've been led along and it has obviously been frustrating for you. Now he's calling you. I really don't know what that means, and, of course, I've never met him, but what you describe doesn't seem to fit too well with his reluctance to come visit you. I would hate to see you become the victim of a booty-calling mountain man. I just love you too much, babe. In fact, it makes me sick to think of it. So, ignore him. Clearly, each time we talk, you seem to know which way is up. That's good. And I certainly don't mean to be condescending in any way. You know what's best for you; and you know which way to play it. So perhaps this whole episode is telling you it's time to write this guy off.

Rain Rain Go Away

It's another fall/winter Sunday night and I'm getting anxious, increasingly more sad about the realization that he is gone. There is no connection there anymore, although we got in touch and went over everything. He needs to feel that I am here and that he has not lost me. But I'm already gone.

It feels so weird, like he was never real. To be fair, he is not right for me at this point and I am not healed 100%. I am trying so hard, I've made progress but not there yet. It's a struggle everyday.

I had a nice weekend. Went out last night and socialized. I feel so isolated and not even here to be honest. I am alone and living in my own head for way too long now.

I'm confused right now..

PS: I wish the asshole who was doing laundry (right below my apartment) every Sunday morning could start at 10am instead of 8am.

The Divinyls

Instead of thinking about the harsh reality that I might never see you again, I am thinking about the speck of time (the tiny blink-of-an-eye time) that we got to spend together..so short, but SO GOOD!!!


Don't let our gold mine plans slip away, anything is possible.

Letter One

I don't have the balls to actually send these to him, but I can still post them here. I'm working out my thought as we are. PS: I went to acupressure massage and acupuncture today and the lady told me I was a "little fat." and to diet.

Great!

Hi Willy:

How are you? I just wanted to write to you because that's what I do best I think, write and articulate my thoughts in writing. It just flows. Truthfully, I can't even muster up the courage to dial your number because somehow, I feel like for the first time in my life, I would not know what to say, if you answered.

It's been two weeks since we talked and I admit that the days are kind of grey lately and they just pass and flow into one another. It's kind of surreal. I feel like meeting you and spending time with you was a long dream. Kind of like it never happened, yet visceral. I can feel you, and hear your voice and stuff, but I'm not sure if I made it up.

I'm deeply hurt, not because of anything you did or did not say or do, I guess just because I realize that right now, based on whatever you're thinking and our unfortunate circumstance, we can't be.

You didn't pick up the phone on your birthday!

How could you not pick up the phone on your birthday to talk to me? The only thing wanted to do on my birthday was talk to you. I didn't want anything else and you saw me calling and you didn't pick up.

That breaks my heart....

Circumstance

The last few days have been trying and I find myself tearing up and bursting into tears for no reason. I don't know what I was expecting to happen, I guess. So I feel silly feeling sadness or crying or showing any emotion that is remotely not positive. But there is giant hole in my heart again. I can't imagine not seeing him again or smelling his skin or tasting his kisses. This really sucks.

All because of circumstance?

I miss him terribly. I was listening to songs that we love last night and just thinking that maybe he'll re-think circumstance, give feeling something scary a chance and call me to tell me that he is coming and staying with me. He hasn't called me in two days and since we ended on a pretty serious note of let's think and discuss this, I'm not expecting anything. I am so sad and feel helpless right now. I can't drive over to see him, I have no physical photos to hold ..just songs and a necklace he gave me.

But.

I am fighting for love. I gave up everything that was deemed secure, stable, serene, honest, and logical for love. I know that there is someone who will be ridiculously in love with me the same way I love them. It'll change, it'll get stronger or weaker and then evolve again, but it is possible. I believe in it!

Brunch at Cafe Medina

I had the most amazing brunch today at Cafe Medina. I have heard people raving about it and about 10:45am the line-ups did start, seriously silly line-ups. Nini and James were there with the critters and we sat outside. James had a roast beef breakfast sandwich and a deliriously good waffle with dark chocolate. Nini had a pistachio white chocolate waffle and a soft boiled egg. I had the waffle, so fluffy and sweet, with lavender milk chocolate sauce on the side and a La Sante. The waffle was gooey and warm, super sweet and tender. It almost looked like it had sugar and butter inside it. Mouthwatering.

La Sante was a soft boiled egg, prosciutto, tomatoes and olives, and two avocado slices with toasted baguette. Yumm. The only downer on our sunshiny day? The service was awful. The waiter was not organized, spilled my egg shells on me (in my napkin) and forgot to bring more napkins. But company and food was great.

Yeah, to Medina. 556 Beatty St. (beside Chambar) 604-879-3114